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[personal profile] kerriesakura
So. Knees. Knees are bastards.

At least, mine are. After seeing a consultant yesterday and getting x-rays done, the news is that there is indeed a flaw in both of them, and this dislocation business will possibly (probably) keep happening. Sort of knew that already, but they thought I might grow out of it, and also they blamed my weight previously. Turns out weight has nothing to do with it, though obviously will try and lose more anyway. Can't exactly hurt.

They're going to try and strengthen things in both knees with physio, but an operation is also a possibility... which sounds utterly gruesome and involves removing ligaments. AAAARGH. Please work, physio. Please work.

The consultant was lovely (and, ahem, very attractive) and gave me a letter for work so they'd believe me and told me to come back in two weeks. Only fracture clinic is on a Tuesday, and Tuesday two weeks from now is Easter and they're closed. So, three weeks. Three weeks strapped up and with crutches and all that stuff. Hrm.

So I fretted over going to work and decided I had to go, because I went to Edinburgh on Friday as planned. I'm glad I did, because I had an ace time, and got to see an ACTUAL LIVE HOCKEY GAME, and an excellent game it was too. Wish I'd not left it so late in the season to go, though, as I have fallen arse over teakettle in love with Edinburgh's Capitals, and it's a bit late now since the season is just about over. All the same though. Ace forwards! Ace goalie! Battling back from 2-0 down against the best team in the league! Yes please! They lost in overtime in the end, but it was still an excellent game. I fucking love hockey. You know this, but it needs saying.

Sarah was lovely and looked after me very well, and there was much silliness about wolves and yetis and monsters and other things with fur (what). There was also a visit from Lovely Ruth, who is great and I was very happy to see her. All good.

But I possibly shouldn't have gone, even though it wasn't against doctor's orders because there were no orders at that point... I made it home again okay, but god it takes a tedious lot of hauling yourself about when you can't bend one of your legs. My arms hurt from said hauling, and my right leg is in the huff because it's doing all the work, and I'm sore dammit. Plus the flaw is in both knees so I'm worried about the right one overcompensating and kjjfhskjdghjdsg. Basically.

So I kind of had to go to work, even though the consultant's note said rest and immobilisation. I turned up, it took me forever to get from the station to the office, everyone thought it'd be nice to have a gawp, I was exhausted before I even got there, and then... they sent me home. What? If you know anything about my history with that place: I'm as shocked as you. They said to go home until I was better, and it wouldn't go against me, and not to worry about it because it was clear how much I was struggling just to get to my desk.

So I feel a bit guilty, but at the same time oh thank christ because I wasn't sure how this was going to work. For a start it was going to cost me ten pounds a day to get to and from the office: Belfast buses during rush hour are hilariously busy and people do not give up their seats, so taxis. It's a ten minute walk but um, that was going to take half an hour so HOW ABOUT NO. Plus work is still fifty miles away, and going to work with it is very much not rest, and and and...

I am frustrated because I am slow and I can't hare around and I can't dance to songs and I hurt all over because of this stupid injury and I know, it could be so much worse, but sometimes it really gets to me. I just hope it heals up alright.

Anyway. So now I have three weeks to sit. Three weeks to sit where I am not suffering from severe brainwrong, which is new. So I might be able to read all those books or watch all those boxsets or actually concentrate for more than five minutes. Hm, that makes it sound like fun, but believe me: I'd rather have working knees.

I have fallen in love with a film, though. This is something I never do; films and I don't really get along for some reason, but after listening to Sweet Disposition for the 8646th time I decided to see the film that made it famous: (500) Days of Summer.

I. Love. It. Why did I wait so long to see it? It's all about love being messy and has protagonists who are very far from perfect and the exchange: "what happened?"/"what always happens. Life" made me want to punch the air because just... just yes. It's funny, it's sweet, it's sad, it's well-made, it's exactly right.

Okay so it has put the rather unrealistic notion in my head that you might strike up a conversation with someone in a lift and spark a connection based on what you're listening to - does that ever happen in real life? - but... oh my heart. Watching that, and listening to what I've been listening to lately - the playlist from t'other day, a lot of Frank Turner, a lot of a lot of Lloyd Cole - I don't know, I'm caught up in some kind of whimsy lately, where I really want to fall in love or something.

I know, life isn't like that - relationships don't start because of a shared love of Lloyd Cole's music, the fact that I don't know anyone else who has a clue what I'm on about when I sing Rattlesnakes at them notwithstanding - but wouldn't it be nice if it was? A girl can dream. Dreams are nice, as long as they don't get you so out of touch with reality that they fuck you up.

So I'm sore, reflective, lost in a world of music, and longing for something. Why didn't I just write that to start with? This is an awful lot of splah. :P For reading this, then, have an actual downloadable mp3.

Lloyd Cole & The Commotions - Rattlesnakes (mp3 format)

THIS is Rattlesnakes. It is brilliant. I am biased, but it is. Also has absolutely amazing use of strings. Strings in a gorgeous jangly pop song: pretty much doomed to love it, I was. Try it. :) If you don't like it, you're allowed to shout at me.


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Kerrie Sakura

July 2010

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