kerriesakura: (Default)

I have trouble getting to sleep. I'm exhausted but I'm keeping myself awake because the two worst parts of the day are while trying to get to sleep and just after waking up.

Waking up is like when Eddie Izzard tries to start an oldskool petrol lawnmower. ONE nananana no. TWO nanananana don't think so. It takes ages before I don't feel like I'm battling through a fog. And stuff hurts, too, first thing in the morning. Ugh.

Falling asleep, though, is strange and worrying. There's a stage between waking and sleeping where you have not-quite-dreams, and while the night-long dreams are pretty much gone ~touches wood~ I still have weird ones when I'm trying to drift off.

The first hour of deciding I can't stay awake any longer invariably involves waking up with a jump at least three times because I'm dreaming that I can't breathe, or that I'm dying, or being chased, OR. And those are usually middle of the night dreams, so I don't get it. Oh, and for a bonus, this is the time of day when muscles go all twitchy. Resting: it's hard earned.

When I'm asleep, I usually stay there the whole night through now. But getting there, christafuckinglive, is a deeply unpleasant journey.

My health is weird.

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Withdrawal is well and truly kicking in (duloxetine has a ridiculously short half-life and is apparently worse than others to quit). I have spent most of today asleep, because I basically couldn't move. So, so tired.

Of course this brings the dreams. This one was one of the odder type where you wake up for a few minutes but keep going back to it every time you fall asleep. The same dream, without a break in the chain.

I was in a hospital on the banks of what was supposed to be Loch Lomond (no idea what that's like in reality, but that's where it was meant to be). I'm not sure if it was a regular hospital or, well, a mental health hospital, but I didn't seem to be there against my will.

I know I was very ill, but what I remember most about the dream is sitting by a window and watching the loch, and seals playing in the water. It was totally relaxed and peaceful and just... lovely.

As opposed to the turmoil in the waking world. My mind is chaotically worried about my job and the fact that I might lose it. On the other hand, I'm nowhere near well enough to do my job, so losing it is very likely.

I wish I really could just sit and watch seals frolicking in the water. Life isn't like that, though. Not for anyone.

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kerriesakura: (Default)
Health update. This bit cut for nightmare stuff )

Vertigo isn't too snazzy at the minute either. I'm going to blame the weather, as it's getting cooler and cold weather sets it going like a monkey with a miniature cymbal. I thought for sure flying at the weekend would completely knacker my ears but it didn't seem to make the slightest difference - two incidents where it was freezing cold resulted in wooziness though. Looks like it's a winter of hats and earmuffs again, then. I don't mind this, especially not hats because hats are ace, but obviously I'd rather NOT have a condition triggered by cold weather while living in a province with Northern in its name.

Mood's alright. Energy needs more caffeine to stay decent than it did before, which is unsatisfactory. Eh. It could be better, but it could be a hell of a lot worse.


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Kerrie Sakura

July 2010

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