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Even when the way you live is wrong, you get used to it; it becomes who you are. You build up a picture of who you are based on familiarity as much as anything else.

And it happens to us all - sometimes the way you've been living stops working, becomes outdated, the picture changes.

The problem I have is I've been this depressed, self-hating person for so long, that now I'm feeling better, I'm a bit... lost. "A bad person" was my identity. As mad as that is, that was what I was used to and comfortable with.

Now, if that isn't true, who am I? A good person? That sounds so wrong. An alright person? Maybe...

I'm starting to believe I'm maybe not a bastard, despite spending all day yesterday sad that it was my dad's 60th birthday and I haven't seen him for almost seven years. But you know, part of getting better is maybe not expecting things to always be wonderful. Yesterday, it was a normal reaction to be sad given the circumstances.

Depression is a hotbed for shite metaphors, so here's another one: you can tame it like you would an animal, but you have to realise it still has the wild running through it. If you don't take care of it properly, if you slip, if you let it get away from you... It'll bite you all over again.

So I'm not going to claim depression and self-loathing are gone forever. It's under control for now, but it's not eradicated. The "all better!" attitude is too dangerous.

But. Despite all that, I'm starting to realise, as hard as it is to say sometimes, that I don't deserve to be treated like shite, that my friends love me and they must see something in there worth caring about, that I'm not evil and deserving of obliteration.

But I'm not used to that. I'm not used to just being utterly stupidly gleeful that I'm alive. And I'm not used to not hating myself. I feel like I don't quite know who I am.

So how do you redefine yourself? How do you find out who you are all over again? Do you just have to... live it?

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I have trouble getting to sleep. I'm exhausted but I'm keeping myself awake because the two worst parts of the day are while trying to get to sleep and just after waking up.

Waking up is like when Eddie Izzard tries to start an oldskool petrol lawnmower. ONE nananana no. TWO nanananana don't think so. It takes ages before I don't feel like I'm battling through a fog. And stuff hurts, too, first thing in the morning. Ugh.

Falling asleep, though, is strange and worrying. There's a stage between waking and sleeping where you have not-quite-dreams, and while the night-long dreams are pretty much gone ~touches wood~ I still have weird ones when I'm trying to drift off.

The first hour of deciding I can't stay awake any longer invariably involves waking up with a jump at least three times because I'm dreaming that I can't breathe, or that I'm dying, or being chased, OR. And those are usually middle of the night dreams, so I don't get it. Oh, and for a bonus, this is the time of day when muscles go all twitchy. Resting: it's hard earned.

When I'm asleep, I usually stay there the whole night through now. But getting there, christafuckinglive, is a deeply unpleasant journey.

My health is weird.

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I don't know what the impression that people get off me not working at the moment is. I fear it's "DOSSER, she gets to sit at home watching the iplayer while I have to fucking work the BITCH". And I keep hearing "what if you lose your job?" and that would - will? - be awful. But well scarier is the possibility that I won't work again. Or not for a while.

Here's a list of things that are happening.

-still constant dizziness when I move, or sometimes don't move. Haven't fallen yet, but close calls becoming more common. When I go out, I am constantly off balance.

-utter exhausation. I can't explain this. I'm just tired to my bones. Would happily sleep all day, yet hate sleeping as it brings no refreshment. And waking up is an utter torture - right after waking up is the worst part of the day. Going out, again, is a nightmare because I run out of energy so fast.

-confusion. This is not too bad when I'm in the house and not doing anything else. When I'm up and talking to, say, a doctor, I struggle to find words and frequently forget what it was I was saying. I forget what I'm doing a lot, too.

-pain. Wasn't too bad, is coming back now. Shoulders and neck especially bad, but hips hurt a lot too. Hands starting to hurt now as well.

Add to this the hell of antidepressant withdrawal which exacerbates (especially) the dizziness. The doctor says I need off them before I see a neuro because the neuro will point at the drugs. And maybe the dizziness will magically clear up! Except I was dizzy well before I was on duloxetine so you know.

Not to put too fine a point on it: I AM FUCKING TERRIFIED. I can't go out without feeling like I will collapse, things hurt for no reason, I'm not sharp at all, I cannot go to work like this. I have no idea what's wrong or how to help myself.

Tell you what though- I recommend getting sick. You sure as shit find out who cares and who doesn't. There will be people who you thought cared about you who don't say a word. And there are people who come through for you and support you.

All the same, I'm scared and I'm lonely. More scared. And nobody knows what's wrong.

Yeah. Lazy dosser.

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I haven't been updating, no. All that's been happening lately is that my health has crashed even worse than usual. It's not depression this time, although I am starting to get awful melancholy.

I have been dizzy constantly for a week, as opposed to the intermittent spells I was suffering. Sleep and medication do nothing for it. I went to an ENT dude, he found no ENT reason for what was going on. But he did poke my neck and it HUUURT.

Ah yes, my neck: it hates going to the right especially, but generally it would rather it stays still. Every turn of the head brings dizziness. Bending down to pick stuff up is horrendous. I have electric tingles up and down my neck and spine (I likened this feeling to someone playing me like a xylophone). My arms tingle. My hands sometimes do. I feel nauseous when I do anything strenuous - oh right, but strenuous at the moment means something like getting dressed. I stupidly tried to go into town on Saturday, and almost threw up and fell over in the supermarket. I am confused and slow and cranky. I just want to sleep constantly and I never feel awake anyway. And the doctor wants to put me on diazepam! Christ.

So obviously I'm off work again. I have x-rays tomorrow and the fucking neurologist won't answer his phone but when he does my doctor is trying to rush me down there.

I'm scared, my job is at risk, I can't get off the sofa, there's something wrong with my brain or my neck or my back or all three, to say I am upset and terrified and distressed would be an understatement.

Nothing like breaking a silence with a load of depressing stuff.

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I am sick and tired of vertigo, and all the other stuff that keeps happening with it. I don't know how wise it is but I just want to feel better, so I've booked in to see an osteopath. They can try neck things and jaw things and repositioning things. So yes.

Fed up with this now. Need to not be broken.

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kerriesakura: (Default)
Health update. This bit cut for nightmare stuff )

Vertigo isn't too snazzy at the minute either. I'm going to blame the weather, as it's getting cooler and cold weather sets it going like a monkey with a miniature cymbal. I thought for sure flying at the weekend would completely knacker my ears but it didn't seem to make the slightest difference - two incidents where it was freezing cold resulted in wooziness though. Looks like it's a winter of hats and earmuffs again, then. I don't mind this, especially not hats because hats are ace, but obviously I'd rather NOT have a condition triggered by cold weather while living in a province with Northern in its name.

Mood's alright. Energy needs more caffeine to stay decent than it did before, which is unsatisfactory. Eh. It could be better, but it could be a hell of a lot worse.
kerriesakura: (Default)

This week, I:

~discovered that I have confidence

~had the official warning that work were going to slap me with officially overturned

~have been declared well enough to be completely discharged from the care of the mental health team at the clinic- the psychiatrist discharged me a while ago, the community psychiatric nurse discharged me on Friday. They say I'm well :D

~had lovely evening with [livejournal.com profile] karrotsoup who bought me holyshitexpensiveandgorgeous lipgloss from Benefit :O

~oh yes- discovered the wonder of lipgloss

~had ace friends

~was told that the difference in how I am and how I used to be is wonderful. More than once

Fucking hell. I'm amazed. Actually humbled and amazed by how good it's all been this week.

I am full of the glee. Glee, I say! :D

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I'm in Manchester airport. One day early. I've had to go home early because I'm very sick and I just couldn't stay any longer.

Temperature, cough, muscle pain, stuffed-up feeling all present and correct. I walked up Becky's stairs this morning and by the top was out of breath. My chest hurts so much. It hurts to laugh and coughing is agony.

I've got a code number thing for tamiflu. Brilliant. Shouldn't technically be out and about (if the airport knew they'd probably throw a fit) but I need to get home.

And yes it was expensive but much worse than that, I feel really guilty for all the trouble I've caused everyone. Ugh. Breathing hurts. Just want to be home.

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Kerrie Sakura

July 2010

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