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I feel a little insane writing this, mostly because I'm worrying about what other people think of me. What else is new?

Is it insane though that I feel more like myself than I have done in a couple of years because I have the hockey bug again? Is it crazy that some part of me needs this damn game in order to be happy?

It's not that I stopped loving it, it's that I stopped having time for it. That has the change; that's why I have weekends.

Hockey has an effect on me that I find hard to explain and always have, like it's wrong somehow and I love it more than I'm allowed to. But when I'm immersed in it then it's the best feeling in the world. It makes everything else go away for a while. It's a pure escapism that I had totally forgotten, and now I wonder how I ever forgot something like that.

Everyone says that you shouldn't define yourself by external things, but it feels like this is part of who I am. Hockey's my thing. I've missed it terribly, but now it feels like remembering who I am.

That sounds so much like I'm putting too much into it, doesn't it? Well all I can say is, everyday life goes on and it has to be dealt with. You have to find something else to uplift you. And there it is. It's back, baby. And me with it.

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Even when the way you live is wrong, you get used to it; it becomes who you are. You build up a picture of who you are based on familiarity as much as anything else.

And it happens to us all - sometimes the way you've been living stops working, becomes outdated, the picture changes.

The problem I have is I've been this depressed, self-hating person for so long, that now I'm feeling better, I'm a bit... lost. "A bad person" was my identity. As mad as that is, that was what I was used to and comfortable with.

Now, if that isn't true, who am I? A good person? That sounds so wrong. An alright person? Maybe...

I'm starting to believe I'm maybe not a bastard, despite spending all day yesterday sad that it was my dad's 60th birthday and I haven't seen him for almost seven years. But you know, part of getting better is maybe not expecting things to always be wonderful. Yesterday, it was a normal reaction to be sad given the circumstances.

Depression is a hotbed for shite metaphors, so here's another one: you can tame it like you would an animal, but you have to realise it still has the wild running through it. If you don't take care of it properly, if you slip, if you let it get away from you... It'll bite you all over again.

So I'm not going to claim depression and self-loathing are gone forever. It's under control for now, but it's not eradicated. The "all better!" attitude is too dangerous.

But. Despite all that, I'm starting to realise, as hard as it is to say sometimes, that I don't deserve to be treated like shite, that my friends love me and they must see something in there worth caring about, that I'm not evil and deserving of obliteration.

But I'm not used to that. I'm not used to just being utterly stupidly gleeful that I'm alive. And I'm not used to not hating myself. I feel like I don't quite know who I am.

So how do you redefine yourself? How do you find out who you are all over again? Do you just have to... live it?

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So I got my course materials for the first part of my psychology degree. And I'd just like to say: OH SHIT!

I mean it's awesome and all and it has all the stuff I want to study like how to do experiments properly and into identity and history of psychology and (excuse me) brain damage, there is no good way to say you're "interested" in brain damage but without minds that have gone awry you can't research healthy brains properly, in that sense. Yes anyway. Excited! But...

TERRIFIED. I don't have a science background and I have to design and carry out two experiments by myself and there's so much to read and I have The Fear. Fitting it all in could be fun, but I'll do it somehow.

This is what I want to do. I'm just daunted. It's huge. I'm scared I don't have an academic science brain.

The main thing is, though, I'm looking forward to finding out. :)

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Kerrie Sakura

July 2010

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