Feb. 20th, 2010

kerriesakura: (Default)
I can't blog this because it doesn't fit with anonymity. There are people reading this who possibly know my history and know that I am that girl who always goes back to lit fireworks.

There are people I used to know that I now don't and I miss them. That's the basic fact. But, is that genuine missing or just because I feel lonely and am looking to fill the void? Are there things that happened that I'm blocking out and shouldn't try to overlook?

There are going to be things you should try and look past, but there's trying to be mature about it and there's fooling yourself. But I have stuff these people gave me and stuff they made me and every time I use them or look at them I remember, oh that person, we used to be so close, is there any way back? I drink my tea from a Bruins mug; I didn't buy myself that.

And I'm not saying I wasn't (and still am) hard to live with. I'm not saying none of this is my fault because that's blatantly untrue. But I walked away from situations because clearly both people in the equations were hurting.

Is it just nostalgia? Nostalgia is a lie: I read my old lj from 2007 last night and while it's full of the squee, but sad because the photos don't work, it's also full of me unable to sleep and in pain and just feeling like hell most of the time.

It's scary because to read it back it's obviously the journal of someone who was very, very unwell. But still I get so furious with myself because I don't have the ability to be fuelled by adrenaline and caffeine anymore. I had something then that I've lost now, an energy that I never got back after I crashed and burned. Apparently that's just age. And I need to grow up and accept it.

Is it the same with the old friends? That I need to just grow up and accept they're gone? There are people from those days I don't miss but there are people I dearly do. And maybe, maybe those things were misunderstandings that went too far and maybe there was never any need for this to happen.

I can't work it out.

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Kerrie Sakura

July 2010

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