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Keep singing a song about myself
Dec. 28th, 2009 12:36 amSome will probably say this is too unflinching or something. But what's the point sugarcoating major depression?
06 January 2009
Survivor. That's what they say I am. Sometimes, when I'm really dark and low, I don't feel much like a survivor at all. I feel broken by it. I'm still here, but I'm not in one piece. ... I want to beat it. I want to be okay.
Three days after I wrote that, I went to the doctor and told him I wanted to die and I was going to make it so if he didn't help me.
He helped me. So did any number of counsellors, a specialist organisation, The Samaritans, my family, and my friends.
I started this year wanting to end everything, to go to sleep and never wake up. I've ended this year with a mystery illness of some sort, but... I'm not depressed.
It turns out the magical key isn't forgiveness. Fuck that. Some things, you can't forgive, and you shouldn't. I agonised over this one, and asked my counsellor, is the reason I can't get past this because I can't forgive?
"Forgiveness," he said, "is bullshit."
I tried forgiving once, I even wrote it down. I withdraw it. I don't forgive the people who helped put me into a deep dark depression that almost ruined me for good. However, what I have instead is understanding.
Understanding why people mess you up isn't the same as saying "it's alright, I don't mind." It's saying "what you did was fucking wrong, but at least I know why you did it." It doesn't let them off the hook, but it brings so much peace of mind.
I don't want to die. There's far too much to do right now, and see and discover and experience and I don't exactly want to run off and start climbing mountains and running marathons but there's stuff to be done.
Life's fucking shit sometimes. A lot of the time. But there's so much in it that's good, so many people who aren't scumbags even if it seems hopeless, so much you can be happy with, so much that it's worth putting up with the crap for.
Finding that out for myself meant staring into an abyss and running away from things for so long that they eventually exploded. No more running away. Now that I understand it so much better, my mental health is MY responsibility, my future isn't totally out of my hands, and this life isn't worthless. It's like billions of others, but it's mine and I'm not getting another one. That alone makes it worth something.
I'm not going to change your world, but I might change my own.
Thank you and goodnight.
xxx
06 January 2009
Survivor. That's what they say I am. Sometimes, when I'm really dark and low, I don't feel much like a survivor at all. I feel broken by it. I'm still here, but I'm not in one piece. ... I want to beat it. I want to be okay.
Three days after I wrote that, I went to the doctor and told him I wanted to die and I was going to make it so if he didn't help me.
He helped me. So did any number of counsellors, a specialist organisation, The Samaritans, my family, and my friends.
I started this year wanting to end everything, to go to sleep and never wake up. I've ended this year with a mystery illness of some sort, but... I'm not depressed.
It turns out the magical key isn't forgiveness. Fuck that. Some things, you can't forgive, and you shouldn't. I agonised over this one, and asked my counsellor, is the reason I can't get past this because I can't forgive?
"Forgiveness," he said, "is bullshit."
I tried forgiving once, I even wrote it down. I withdraw it. I don't forgive the people who helped put me into a deep dark depression that almost ruined me for good. However, what I have instead is understanding.
Understanding why people mess you up isn't the same as saying "it's alright, I don't mind." It's saying "what you did was fucking wrong, but at least I know why you did it." It doesn't let them off the hook, but it brings so much peace of mind.
I don't want to die. There's far too much to do right now, and see and discover and experience and I don't exactly want to run off and start climbing mountains and running marathons but there's stuff to be done.
Life's fucking shit sometimes. A lot of the time. But there's so much in it that's good, so many people who aren't scumbags even if it seems hopeless, so much you can be happy with, so much that it's worth putting up with the crap for.
Finding that out for myself meant staring into an abyss and running away from things for so long that they eventually exploded. No more running away. Now that I understand it so much better, my mental health is MY responsibility, my future isn't totally out of my hands, and this life isn't worthless. It's like billions of others, but it's mine and I'm not getting another one. That alone makes it worth something.
I'm not going to change your world, but I might change my own.
Thank you and goodnight.
xxx
