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Even when the way you live is wrong, you get used to it; it becomes who you are. You build up a picture of who you are based on familiarity as much as anything else.

And it happens to us all - sometimes the way you've been living stops working, becomes outdated, the picture changes.

The problem I have is I've been this depressed, self-hating person for so long, that now I'm feeling better, I'm a bit... lost. "A bad person" was my identity. As mad as that is, that was what I was used to and comfortable with.

Now, if that isn't true, who am I? A good person? That sounds so wrong. An alright person? Maybe...

I'm starting to believe I'm maybe not a bastard, despite spending all day yesterday sad that it was my dad's 60th birthday and I haven't seen him for almost seven years. But you know, part of getting better is maybe not expecting things to always be wonderful. Yesterday, it was a normal reaction to be sad given the circumstances.

Depression is a hotbed for shite metaphors, so here's another one: you can tame it like you would an animal, but you have to realise it still has the wild running through it. If you don't take care of it properly, if you slip, if you let it get away from you... It'll bite you all over again.

So I'm not going to claim depression and self-loathing are gone forever. It's under control for now, but it's not eradicated. The "all better!" attitude is too dangerous.

But. Despite all that, I'm starting to realise, as hard as it is to say sometimes, that I don't deserve to be treated like shite, that my friends love me and they must see something in there worth caring about, that I'm not evil and deserving of obliteration.

But I'm not used to that. I'm not used to just being utterly stupidly gleeful that I'm alive. And I'm not used to not hating myself. I feel like I don't quite know who I am.

So how do you redefine yourself? How do you find out who you are all over again? Do you just have to... live it?

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Withdrawal is well and truly kicking in (duloxetine has a ridiculously short half-life and is apparently worse than others to quit). I have spent most of today asleep, because I basically couldn't move. So, so tired.

Of course this brings the dreams. This one was one of the odder type where you wake up for a few minutes but keep going back to it every time you fall asleep. The same dream, without a break in the chain.

I was in a hospital on the banks of what was supposed to be Loch Lomond (no idea what that's like in reality, but that's where it was meant to be). I'm not sure if it was a regular hospital or, well, a mental health hospital, but I didn't seem to be there against my will.

I know I was very ill, but what I remember most about the dream is sitting by a window and watching the loch, and seals playing in the water. It was totally relaxed and peaceful and just... lovely.

As opposed to the turmoil in the waking world. My mind is chaotically worried about my job and the fact that I might lose it. On the other hand, I'm nowhere near well enough to do my job, so losing it is very likely.

I wish I really could just sit and watch seals frolicking in the water. Life isn't like that, though. Not for anyone.

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Health update. This bit cut for nightmare stuff )

Vertigo isn't too snazzy at the minute either. I'm going to blame the weather, as it's getting cooler and cold weather sets it going like a monkey with a miniature cymbal. I thought for sure flying at the weekend would completely knacker my ears but it didn't seem to make the slightest difference - two incidents where it was freezing cold resulted in wooziness though. Looks like it's a winter of hats and earmuffs again, then. I don't mind this, especially not hats because hats are ace, but obviously I'd rather NOT have a condition triggered by cold weather while living in a province with Northern in its name.

Mood's alright. Energy needs more caffeine to stay decent than it did before, which is unsatisfactory. Eh. It could be better, but it could be a hell of a lot worse.


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Kerrie Sakura

July 2010

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