(no subject)

[kerriesakura]

Even when the way you live is wrong, you get used to it; it becomes who you are. You build up a picture of who you are based on familiarity as much as anything else.

And it happens to us all - sometimes the way you've been living stops working, becomes outdated, the picture changes.

The problem I have is I've been this depressed, self-hating person for so long, that now I'm feeling better, I'm a bit... lost. "A bad person" was my identity. As mad as that is, that was what I was used to and comfortable with.

Now, if that isn't true, who am I? A good person? That sounds so wrong. An alright person? Maybe...

I'm starting to believe I'm maybe not a bastard, despite spending all day yesterday sad that it was my dad's 60th birthday and I haven't seen him for almost seven years. But you know, part of getting better is maybe not expecting things to always be wonderful. Yesterday, it was a normal reaction to be sad given the circumstances.

Depression is a hotbed for shite metaphors, so here's another one: you can tame it like you would an animal, but you have to realise it still has the wild running through it. If you don't take care of it properly, if you slip, if you let it get away from you... It'll bite you all over again.

So I'm not going to claim depression and self-loathing are gone forever. It's under control for now, but it's not eradicated. The "all better!" attitude is too dangerous.

But. Despite all that, I'm starting to realise, as hard as it is to say sometimes, that I don't deserve to be treated like shite, that my friends love me and they must see something in there worth caring about, that I'm not evil and deserving of obliteration.

But I'm not used to that. I'm not used to just being utterly stupidly gleeful that I'm alive. And I'm not used to not hating myself. I feel like I don't quite know who I am.

So how do you redefine yourself? How do you find out who you are all over again? Do you just have to... live it?

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Comments

[nothingtosay.livejournal.com]

So how do you redefine yourself? How do you find out who you are all over again? Do you just have to... live it?

In short... well, yes. For me, it wasn't a scary process. It was like meeting an old friend and remembering her little quirks. "God, I forgot that was how you used to deal with something like that!" That sort of thing. In short, this has the potential to be quite a fun experience. That is, of course, when you aren't shitting yourself and waiting for the old friend to fuck off again.

[dragonblk17.livejournal.com]

I think hockey helped me redefine my life when I started getting into it once again. I felt a lot happier than I had when I was originally depressed thanks to hockey and meeting most of the friends that I have now. I found out who I was all voer again, and I became so much nicer and, I feel, a much better person.

[polkadotskirt.livejournal.com]

So how do you redefine yourself? How do you find out who you are all over again? Do you just have to... live it?

I think yes, you just have to live it. It happens and then one day you notice that you've changed. you've noticed it already, you just have to get used to it. And the way you're feeling is really, really good and I hope it stays and that you make it a part of your identity. x

[ihavecake.livejournal.com]

Yep, live it. But, a really important part of that for me was realising I'm living it for myself, no one else. It's really hard when you don't know what you are to not worry about what other people think you are, but you really have to find your own way without paying too much attention to everything else.

[speednik.livejournal.com]

See, this is a great entry to the point where I don't know what else to add.

When you're being self-hating, it's much easier to advise because I can deconstruct your argument and offer opinions as to why I don't think it's accurate, but here you're saying the right stuff. So much so that the only real response is "this is correct, carry on".

You have already had comments from people with a greater understanding of depression than I, too, so really I'm just here to lend moral support.

You mentioned on The Other Place the idea of starting a depression recovery blog. This is a good thing as long as the bad days are not so bad that you don't want to. But if this is any indication, it's a good start and in the spirit of good starts, this headspace would be a good place TO start.

Write the blog that you wish you had found when you were ten years younger.

Love you.
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