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Even when the way you live is wrong, you get used to it; it becomes who you are. You build up a picture of who you are based on familiarity as much as anything else.

And it happens to us all - sometimes the way you've been living stops working, becomes outdated, the picture changes.

The problem I have is I've been this depressed, self-hating person for so long, that now I'm feeling better, I'm a bit... lost. "A bad person" was my identity. As mad as that is, that was what I was used to and comfortable with.

Now, if that isn't true, who am I? A good person? That sounds so wrong. An alright person? Maybe...

I'm starting to believe I'm maybe not a bastard, despite spending all day yesterday sad that it was my dad's 60th birthday and I haven't seen him for almost seven years. But you know, part of getting better is maybe not expecting things to always be wonderful. Yesterday, it was a normal reaction to be sad given the circumstances.

Depression is a hotbed for shite metaphors, so here's another one: you can tame it like you would an animal, but you have to realise it still has the wild running through it. If you don't take care of it properly, if you slip, if you let it get away from you... It'll bite you all over again.

So I'm not going to claim depression and self-loathing are gone forever. It's under control for now, but it's not eradicated. The "all better!" attitude is too dangerous.

But. Despite all that, I'm starting to realise, as hard as it is to say sometimes, that I don't deserve to be treated like shite, that my friends love me and they must see something in there worth caring about, that I'm not evil and deserving of obliteration.

But I'm not used to that. I'm not used to just being utterly stupidly gleeful that I'm alive. And I'm not used to not hating myself. I feel like I don't quite know who I am.

So how do you redefine yourself? How do you find out who you are all over again? Do you just have to... live it?

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Kerrie Sakura

July 2010

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