But I don't know what to do

[kerriesakura]

I can't blog this because it doesn't fit with anonymity. There are people reading this who possibly know my history and know that I am that girl who always goes back to lit fireworks.

There are people I used to know that I now don't and I miss them. That's the basic fact. But, is that genuine missing or just because I feel lonely and am looking to fill the void? Are there things that happened that I'm blocking out and shouldn't try to overlook?

There are going to be things you should try and look past, but there's trying to be mature about it and there's fooling yourself. But I have stuff these people gave me and stuff they made me and every time I use them or look at them I remember, oh that person, we used to be so close, is there any way back? I drink my tea from a Bruins mug; I didn't buy myself that.

And I'm not saying I wasn't (and still am) hard to live with. I'm not saying none of this is my fault because that's blatantly untrue. But I walked away from situations because clearly both people in the equations were hurting.

Is it just nostalgia? Nostalgia is a lie: I read my old lj from 2007 last night and while it's full of the squee, but sad because the photos don't work, it's also full of me unable to sleep and in pain and just feeling like hell most of the time.

It's scary because to read it back it's obviously the journal of someone who was very, very unwell. But still I get so furious with myself because I don't have the ability to be fuelled by adrenaline and caffeine anymore. I had something then that I've lost now, an energy that I never got back after I crashed and burned. Apparently that's just age. And I need to grow up and accept it.

Is it the same with the old friends? That I need to just grow up and accept they're gone? There are people from those days I don't miss but there are people I dearly do. And maybe, maybe those things were misunderstandings that went too far and maybe there was never any need for this to happen.

I can't work it out.

Comments

[dragonblk17.livejournal.com]

I miss a lot of people from my past. There are many that I wish I was still friends with now but after moving away and losing touch, I can't even have a full on conversation with them anymore. It makes me extremely sad but at the same time I feel that maybe it's for the best I don't talk to these people anymore. With some of them, it would bring up a lot of bad memories...memories that I don't want to go back to. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know where you're coming from. If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here. (:

[mirrorballmoon.livejournal.com]

I just remember the good old hockey days and god the people I miss.

[dragonblk17.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the old days...I miss them too. Especially the time period you were talking about because those were the good days of hockey. I really do miss that.

[mirrorballmoon.livejournal.com]

I don't know what to do. Like, if I get in touch with these people will they just ignore me? I imagine so.

[dragonblk17.livejournal.com]

I don't think that it hurts to try and contact the people who you miss the most - not one bit. You never know, they may contact you back but that's me trying to be positive.

[riosrogue.livejournal.com]

Just look at it this way, you're a different person now. Maybe you will be able to handle those former friendships better now that you're in a different place. The same can be said for the friends you've been missing. Time changes perspective. Maybe you're not the only who's done some changes and growing. Give people a chance, they might surprise you! (in a good way)

And yes, there's definitely an aging process we all have to deal with. I know I can't do at 38 what I used to be able to do at 28. But that shouldn't mean life is over. If something is important to you, you'll figure out a way to make it work.